By Joe Hobby
This holiday season, many of you will be flying all over the country to visit loved ones. You have my pity. That’s because the other day, I was talking to a friend who just took his first flight since COVID began. He said something that struck fear in my heart. “Joe, flying is worse now than it ever was.”
Joe Hobby, Tribune Columnist
So it seems the airlines have finally succeeded in doing something I thought was impossible. They have found a way to make the flight experience even more miserable for us passengers. It’s like Satan adding humidity to hell. The only thing left for them to do now is to have the flight attendants rake their fingernails on a blackboard. Airlines used to be all about serving the customer – but not now. I’m thankful that I’m not a regular flier anymore.
For over 20 years, I used to get on a plane about once a month, so I consider myself a veteran of the skies. But things have changed since COVID. Airlines have cut flights, amenities, and services, all while raising prices. It’s hard to believe that there was a time when I actually enjoyed getting on an airplane. But it’s no fun anymore. I would compare a trip on a plane to being in a cattle car, except that would be an insult to cattle cars everywhere. To say glamour is gone from flying is like saying ethics is gone from politics.
Remember the old days? Flying was a big deal. An event that was sometimes as exciting as your destination. People even dressed up to fly. I’m talking suits and dresses. Not now. The last time I flew, the lady a few rows in front of me wore pajamas and animal slippers.
Long flights are the worst. But they do give you time to think. For example, I usually think about why I always sit beside a crying baby. And then I look up and think about how the crying baby is almost the same size as the overhead luggage bin.
There was a time when you got a real meal on most flights. “Chicken or beef, sir?” are words you never hear on a plane anymore. Now your meal consists of two ounces of Diet Coke and about 10 Cheetos. If you grovel, they may throw in a bag of peanuts: Non-Appetit, y’all.
Maybe you’ve noticed that while the flight attendants seem to be getting wider, the plane’s aisles are getting more narrow. This was brought to my attention on my last flight when a beverage cart rammed into my leg and about fractured my kneecap. I could opt for a window seat; however, for a man my age with prostate problems, sitting in a non-aisle seat brings its own set of challenges.
Yep, there’s nothing like crawling across a row of aggravated people to make your way to a bathroom the size of a Keebler elf’s closet. Then try to pee and hope there’s no turbulence.
Some of the people you randomly sit beside aren’t any help either. I recall one white-faced guy who turned to me as we taxied down the runway and said nervously, “You ever wonder how something this heavy gets off the ground?” Thanks for pointing that out to me, Charles Lindbergh.
And can anyone please tell me how keeping that tray table in the locked and upright position will save my life if we hit the ground at 400 miles an hour?
“Well, Bob, it’s a miracle. Every passenger somehow survived this crash landing on the runway except this poor ol’ boy here.”
“Look there, Billy Ray. Ain’t too hard to figure out what happened. God bless him.”
“Is that melted piece of plastic his tray table?”
“Yep. And it wasn’t in the locked and upright position.”
“Dear Lord, how will we tell his family that?”
Flying is pretty much a Greyhound bus with wings now. Except you don’t go through security screening at the bus station, and you certainly don’t have flight nazis making sure your tray table is locked and upright. This holiday season, the best thing to do is accept flying as a necessary evil. We must endure getting from Point A to Point B quickly. Just lower your already low expectations.
And try to avoid that crying baby.
Joe Hobby is a comedian, author, and writer. Go to: https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1 for more.
